Dealing.

I have a ridiculous amount of emotions running through me today. Breakdown status.

I start this new job tomorrow and I don't want to. I think that it's not the right move for me. Even with jobs that I don't really want I feel a bit of excitement, but not this one. Dread. It's closing a lot of doors for me. If I take this job, I'm resigning myself to less money. I'm resigning myself to a 9:00 to 5:00er again. I'm resigning myself to a job where I won't be learning anything new. Where I won't be able to work as easily for my independent contract companies, where I won't be able to go to school during the day for things like counselor meetings and buying books, where I have to be awake and conscious in the morning, which means I won't be awake and conscious in the evenings when I'm at my most creative. I'll be sitting at a desk. I'll be staring at numbers and spreadsheets and data and nothing pretty or creative, or even on my career path.

So what do you want?

I want to go back to school. Double major in Spanish and Nutrition, minor in Linguistics. While I go to school I want to be able to financially support myself through selling wares and independent contract work. I want to learn new things. I want to advance. I want to use my knowledge for something other than putting stamps on letters and packing boxes for trade shows. I don't want to work in sales or administration, unless I'm running things under my own discretion. I want to work in research, or in wellness, and I want desperately to be bilingual (not conversational, actual honest to goodness bilingual). I want to do some fun internships and I want to explore areas I've not lived/worked/learned in. This is what I want. And I want to do it at UCSC or in Portland OR.

I will get there.

If I commit to this job until the school year starts (Feb 9), I can take a day off to make the rounds to Cabrillo, De Anza, West Valley to take care of transcripts. This job has 2 weeks vacation for winter break, and that would give me time to get a nice inventory of wares up in my etsy shop. I'm sure I can find a part-time flexible job so that I may go to school full-time. If I can survive for one semester and get decent grades I know my parents will help me with paying for school, and probably reimburse me for the semester I'll have to pay for. So that means I need to get the money together to survive for the next 7 months. If I make $400/week during school I can go to school full-time and still make rent and pay bills. So if I can save up enough money in the next two months of working at The Boomerang Project to pay for school for one semester, and maybe a little cushion, then find a part-time job for school, I should be okay.

I think I can do this.

I think I can commit to working at this job for 2 months, and then moving on. I can be Brie, the bilingual nutritionist who works in research travelling around the world and listening to different people talk.

I think I just figured it all out.