Thursday, June 18, 2009

"Patience is passion tamed."

Today I'm struggling with identities.

Identity is an interesting (and sometimes troublesome) thing. I try to view it as a jumbled, haphazard combination of emotion, soulfulness, actions, thoughts, and processes. All of these things are strings reaching from the universe and into your soul. At the core of every being, a knot of these things is formed, sometimes new threads (upbringing, events, emotional response to new situations, etc.) worm their way in and help to make the knot tighter and stronger and more jumbled. Soon the knot begins to felt, and the strings that would once find a weak spot to grab onto can no longer work their way into the core. Maybe a particularly tenacious experience can break down the felted wall a bit and then there is a small but potent hole. The hole begins to fill, felt, and again become hardened and stronger.

Identities can get lost quite easily. They're easy to ignore. They can sometimes get snagged by things like social roles, possessions, money, job status.

Mine has been snagged by household chores, by cooking dinner every night, by owning flowy skirts, by buying yarn, by homework and finals. The little pieces that have been sticking out of my knot (which is not even close to felting yet) have been unwound and turned into unsure emotions.

My identity rests firmly and solidly (shakily and restlessly) in things like
quick decision making
using hands to create (or destroy)
the wind
volunteering time and energy into helping other sentient beings
long drives to nowhere
time flying
organic cookbooks

And lately my identity has been waylaid (time to step off the platform) by things like
making dinner every night when I'm not hungry
art supplies tucked away in storage
talking too much and acting too little
buying too much
cleaning the house before Sean gets home
feelings of self worthlessness
sitting on ideas for too long
long hours
soda and alcohol
doting upon a man
learning patience

I'd like to back to the first. How do you embrace both in order not to lose something (one) important to you? I'm tired of life lessons and long for the days of carefree creativity in the wee hours of the morning.

Struggling with things like identity today.

Title quote attributed to Lyman Abbott

1 comment:

Jacqueline said...

If you figure it out- let me know.