Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Hi World

I'm sitting here in my living room (next to my knitting, tea, camera, and kittens) and I've had a lot on my mind lately. Thought I'd share a real blog post instead of the frilly stuff for a change.

I've had a rampage of icky emotions swirling through out me these past days (weeks) and they haven't abated with time, which means they're real (they've stuck) and need to be explored (talked about, written about, drowned in).

There is a pull within me to see new places, have new adventures, start over as often as possible. Something in my blood craves change. New wind, new smells, new sights, new journeys. The idea of a brand new life (a new start) somehow calms me. For as long as I can remember there has been no question about whether or not I would stay put and sit still. Even as a kid I was the one always getting in trouble for going too far, too fast. My entire adult life has been filled with movement. From an apartment next to the train tracks to a remote 5 bedroom half an hour away (up a windy and treacherous dirt road) from the closest store. The idea of a new place. It does not fill me with anxiety over loneliness, jobs, money, new and old friends, the dreaded move. Instead I tend to overflow with excitement (dreams, peace, balance). I can't help it, nor do I want to. I view it as a gift that is bestowed upon a select few, "the searchers" (see side bar). I see this need (want, inherent attribute) as a virtue. I will undoubtedly see the world and see it well.

That being said, not only have a lived here (in one place, one city, one house) for over a year, my traveling means have diminished greatly with being laid off last summer. Money is tight with one income and day or weekend trips (or vacations to far off places) are just not in the cards. With this stagnation of body comes stagnation of spirit.


Creative endeavors interest me for a fleeting moment and than disappear. Inspiration to beautify my space comes and then wanes just as quickly.

Have I resigned myself to this life? Have I turned this beautiful place into a cage? Do I see this for all time? What steps do I make to get to where I want to be? There are always steps.

Of course, I have a problem with those, too. Steps that seem right (go back to school, live off student loans, begin anew in a few years) on an intellectual level don't often feel right to the heart (guilt, I've already asked so much, it's all my fault for getting laid off, what can I do if the mail doesn't bring my check when I need it?) These steps that may seem to be leading a path in the right direction can feel oh so wrong. (The anxiety doesn't lay in finishing school, it lays in staying in one place until that happens, by the way.)

Dreams of big things.
A PhD and a teaching and writing career with summers off to explore the rest of the world.
Living in a colder climate where creativity flows freely as rain and rivers.
An RV and no destination.

All of these worries and anxieties will calm themselves in my heart, it will just take a while.

Oh, and if more people don't comment on my giveaway post I think I'll cut it off early. You don't have to promote if you don't want to... Just leave a little love!

I'll leave you with this:

A moment of bliss.

1 comment:

Jacqueline said...

I think your desire for change is the only thing that doesn't change in your life. :)